Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
