Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
