Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
