remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
