You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
