Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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