she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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