Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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