Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
