Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I wish my penis had an off switch
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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