I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
