Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
