I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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