Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
