Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
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