Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
