I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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