somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
