All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
