Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
