he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
