weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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