Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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