he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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