The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
