ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
