You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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