Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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