i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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