he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
