and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Come share oat with me in your robe
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
