I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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