So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
