i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
