i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
