My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Drunk is a universal language darling
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
