it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
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