i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
We talked him into tasing himself.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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