If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm experimenting with sincerity
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
