Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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