i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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