if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
