Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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