I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
