i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
