Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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