I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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