Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
