So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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