mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
where are you?
Hypothermia
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
