that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
