Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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