im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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